I have been staring at this page for almost an hour. I have nothing to write. Do you realize how much wasted time that is? Just to give you an idea…
As of 2010, 4.45 babies are born every second, that’s 16020 new babies every hour! And 1.8 people die every second. That 6480 souls. Think about that for a second. Every time you feel stressed, or down, or the world is upon you, just think that the mere time spent that you realized that you feel that way, about 5 people have already died. Just be thankful you are not one of them.
Me? I just bake cupcakes.
Why cupcakes? Well, I don’t know. Why do you wear underwear? IT DOESN’T MATTER.
So yeah, cupcakes. Where were we?
Yeah, I chose to make red velvet cupcakes. Why? Because they’re red. Why red? Because red symbolizes leadership, strength, power, wisdom and possibly every positive adjective there is. Who says so?
Blame these icons for my generations bad fashion choices. Mono chromatic clothes with imposed and suggestive curves, it only works on TV!
Stop with the nonsense! I fuckin lost my mojo.
Most cupcakes start with the very basic step of creaming butter and sugar together I never really understood the importance of this until one time I tried to bake cupcakes with melted butter. Came out like a fucking nightmare that involved the devil, warm gel and elongated vegetables.
So from then on, I squeeze a little elbow grease and make sure my butter and sugar are creamed well and the eggs are added gradually.
In a separate bowl, I added my buttermilk substitute and my food coloring. 2 notes here. Buttermilk is not actually milk with butter, of milk with high fat content. It’s actually a fermented milk product that…. let’s just say it’s close to sour milk. According to the ever so convenient internet, buttermilk can be substituted with milk with vinegar. So yeah that’s what I did.
You’d expect I’d put an image of the milk and food coloring mixture here. I would But because the shot was blurry, I decided to edit it out and put something that will surely grad your attention. Boobs. So here it is. Milk + food coloring + boobs.
Another note is the usage of food coloring. I don’t like to use food coloring that much. I just added it so that the name makes sense. I think there’s something a little weird about a brown Red Velvet cake.
But of course, there’s a history behind it. Originally when they made cocoa powder during the times where internet was not even on the minds of humans and it is still legal to beat your wife with a stick as wide as your thumb, cocoa powder reacts to acidic substances like the buttermilk and vinegar (yes, there is vinegar on this recipe aside from the one I used to re-create buttermilk) . Hence the name. As technology advances, food scientist, or whatever you call them, invented a method where the cocoa powder no longer reacts to acidic substances. This is when Red Beets was used. Sometimes red beets were boiled and the water was used to color the food but most of the time, they added grated red beets to the cake itself for it to retain moisture.
Well, I am a man of the future. And I say use food coloring.
As a standard procedure on most cake products, we are advised to mix all the dry ingredients first, mix all the wet ingredients and then combine them together. I usually don’t do this because I am lazy as fuck but what the hell.
Mix them all together until you get the Devil’s Shit.
I love making practical uses of those single purpose products. Like an ice cream scooper. Who would have thought it works wonders on cupcakes. Definitely not Alfred L. Cralle.
Baked em in a standard baking temperature with a standard baking time and it came out looking like magic!
I took them out of the pan, and let them cool down while I make the frosting.
Cupcakes need frosting. Muffins don’t. I don’t usually make cupcakes because it needs frosting and I can’t have too much frosting (you know, diabetes) but this is different! I specifically made this recipe to test out the new toy I bought! It wa ssooo cheap that even a cheap guy like me cannot resist it!
I just had to try them out!
I was supposed to try most of them and see how they look. I tried this one…
And this is how it looked.
I made some more and then I realized that my frosting was too soft. I placed it in the ref for about 5 mins and it turned out ok. But it still cannot stand the way other cupcake frostings do. I considered adding more powdered sugar for stability but I decided not to because I want to eat more than one! I just piped them the way I liked and me and my girlfriend considered this as a practice batch. Next batch will be much better.
If I can get fresh red beets, I’ll re create this recipe without the food coloring!
O yeah, 22,680 people wdied while I was writing this post.