Red Velvet Cupcakes with a touch of angst

I have been staring at this page for almost an hour. I have nothing to write. Do you realize how much wasted time that is? Just to give you an idea…

As of 2010, 4.45 babies are born every second, that’s 16020 new babies every hour! And 1.8 people die every second. That 6480 souls. Think about that for a second. Every time you feel stressed, or down, or the world is upon you, just think that the mere time spent that you realized that you feel that way, about 5 people have already died. Just be thankful you are not one of them.

Me? I just bake cupcakes.

Why cupcakes? Well, I don’t know. Why do you wear underwear? IT DOESN’T MATTER.

Apparently...

So yeah, cupcakes. Where were we?

Yeah, I chose to make red velvet cupcakes. Why? Because they’re red. Why red? Because red symbolizes leadership, strength, power, wisdom and possibly every positive adjective there is. Who says so?

These guys.

Red Ranger from the Original Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

Red Turbo from Bioman

Red Mask from Maskman

Red Hawk from Jetman

Steve fromVoltes V

Blame these icons for my generations bad fashion choices. Mono chromatic clothes with imposed and suggestive curves, it only works on TV!

Stop with the nonsense! I fuckin lost my mojo.

Most cupcakes start with the very basic step of creaming butter and sugar together I never really understood the importance of this until one time I tried to bake cupcakes with melted butter. Came out like a fucking nightmare that involved the devil, warm gel and elongated vegetables.

"I'm the Devil, I can do what I want!"

So from then on, I squeeze a little elbow grease and make sure my butter and sugar are creamed well and the eggs are added gradually.

In a separate bowl, I added my buttermilk substitute and my food coloring. 2 notes here. Buttermilk is not actually milk with butter, of milk with high fat content. It’s actually a fermented milk product that…. let’s just say it’s close to sour milk. According to the ever so convenient internet, buttermilk can be substituted with milk with vinegar. So yeah that’s what I did.

You’d expect I’d put an image of the milk and food coloring mixture here. I would But because the shot was blurry, I decided to edit it out and put something that will surely grad your attention. Boobs. So here it is. Milk + food coloring + boobs.

You're welcome.

Another note is the usage of food coloring. I don’t like to use food coloring that much. I just added it so that the name makes sense. I think there’s something a little weird about a brown Red Velvet cake.

But of course, there’s a history behind it. Originally when they made cocoa powder during the times where internet was not even on the minds of humans and it is still legal to beat your wife with a stick as wide as your thumb, cocoa powder reacts to acidic substances like the buttermilk and vinegar (yes, there is vinegar on this recipe aside from the one I used to re-create buttermilk) . Hence the name. As technology advances, food scientist, or whatever you call them, invented a method where the cocoa powder no longer reacts to acidic substances. This is when Red Beets was used. Sometimes red beets were boiled and the water was used to color the food but most of the time, they added grated red beets to the cake itself for it to retain moisture.

Well, I am a man of the future. And I say use food coloring.

As a standard procedure on most cake products, we are advised to mix all the dry ingredients first, mix all the wet ingredients and then combine them together. I usually don’t do this because I am lazy as fuck but what the hell.

I did it anyway!

Mix them all together until you get the Devil’s Shit.

Yes, this is the devil's shit right here!

I love making practical uses of those single purpose products. Like an ice cream scooper. Who would have thought it works wonders on cupcakes. Definitely not Alfred L. Cralle.

Baked em in a standard baking temperature with a standard baking time and it came out looking like magic!

I took them out of the pan, and let them cool down while I make the frosting.

Just your basic Cream cheese, butter and powdered sugar frosting.

Cupcakes need frosting. Muffins don’t. I don’t usually make cupcakes because it needs frosting and I can’t have too much frosting (you know, diabetes) but this is different! I specifically made this recipe to test out the new toy I bought! It wa ssooo cheap that even a cheap guy like me cannot resist it!

TADA~~~😀

I just had to try them out!

I was supposed to try most of them and see how they look. I tried this one…

And this is how it looked.

I made some more and then I realized that my frosting was too soft. I placed it in the ref for about 5 mins and it turned out ok. But it still cannot stand the way other cupcake frostings do.  I considered adding more powdered sugar for stability but I decided not to because I want to eat more than one! I just piped them the way I liked and me and my girlfriend considered this as a practice batch. Next batch will be much better.

If I can get fresh red beets, I’ll re create this recipe without the food coloring!

O yeah, 22,680 people wdied while I was writing this post.

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Where the hell am I?

THIS BLOG IS NOT DEAD.

NEITHER AM I.

Let’s just say that I have now less time in front of the computer and more time doing this…

Sorry, I just used my phone.

I WILL try to update as soon as I get an off.

I don’t want to post just anything here. I am trying my very best to publish materials that I really want to publish, and not just for the sake of publishing.

Anyone there? Can anybody read this? You can comment on this blog and tell me what you want me to cook/write/eat.

Also, if you liked my material here, it wouldn’t hurt if you share it. They might like it too! It is also scientifically proven to increase your chance of getting laid. So yeah.

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Crap cake. Crepe cake.

I have never been impressed with Crepes. For me, they’re just thin pancakes decorated with all things that are hard to hate like sugar, cream, chocolate and fruits. I mean, Making empanada requires more skill and yet, people are going gaga over some thin liquid and flour mixture. But that’s just me.

There are certain things that seem ‘cooler’ when they are not common and I feel that way with crepes. Although I’ve gotta admit that the way crepes are presented looks very cool and appetizing. It’s just that it’s so simple, you’ll feel there’s nothing to expect from it. I don’t know. I have yet to taste a mind blowing crepe.

I never really tried to make crepes before because, well, I don’t like them. But when you got nothing but flour and eggs and you wanna make something different they you gotta make crepes. I don’t know why I felt compelled doing this, that’s not a good thing. If I were to make crepes, I will do something to them not like the normal ones. You know, with a little bit of skill involved.

I have seen a lot of crepe cakes in the internet but I have never really seen one up close. The macro images of these cakes makes me happy in my pants so I wanted to make them my self.

Is that a whisk in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

The story starts out as most stories here start out. My friends came, we wanna eat so we cooked. Like what I said, we only have common kitchen ingredients on hand at that time (happens quite often actually) so we did this.

sumkinda chicken crepe

Yeah, a very crude and very rich looking chicken crepe cake. It’s basically minced chicken with home made mayo (eggs and oil) and some other stuff we can mince and put in. I think we even added a dirty sock somewhere there. Nevertheless, it was quite good. After a very rich slice, we all wanted something sweet to cleanse our system. So yeah that’s how it got started.

Another thing though, when I watch TV (not very often) it’s only locked to a certain cooking channel. Changing the channel without my permission will result to bloodshed. Because of that, my friends often absorbs what I am absorbing too which is a good thing. The chicken crepe idea actually came from them that came from Ana Olsen or Laura Calder or that big bossomed woman that makes everything she does looks like something sexual.

Or was it just me again?

There's something about the way she holds her utensils...

Anyway, let’s get started.

So I made the Crepe batter. It was so fucking easy, I did not even have a chance to take a picture. In return here’s a picture of my large cock.

Oh. I'm sure you got excited.

After making the batter, I set it aside while I make my pastry cream. This will separate the layers of the crepe. My recipe calls for 3 egg yolks. I looked inside the ref and almost shat in my pants.

ONE FUCKING EGG

Yes. I only have 1 egg left. Bummer. I had the choice to go out and buy but…

it was freaking 1030pm. and i'm a lazy pig.

I just have to make do with what I have. And this is what I got.

Looks the same. Tastes ALMOST the same.

Just think of it as a healthier version. An egg yolk contains 60 calories while whites only contain 15. And I don’t care.

I cooled my pastry cream down and now off to the crepes themselves!

This pan actually looks like a crepe pan.

My mom bought this. Maybe for eggs. I have seen this for years now and did not really give a shit. Until now.

The batter needs to be thin. The trick here is to swirl the pa — fuck this. Just watch me do it here.

It’s easy. You’ll probably mess up about 2-3 times in your first time until you get it.

After that, I took the base of my cake pan, or really anything that you want to shape your crepes into, and trimmed around it.

Until I did them all. They should all be almost equal in size. This is not really necessary but I did it anyway to give it a more cleaner look.

Then I started the assembly. I first chose the thickest crepe to be my base. Putting it in a cake pan isn’t really necessary but again, I wanna make it really pretty. If you don’t have a cake pan, just align them very well.

When, added a thin layer of pastry cream. It needs to be thin so it does not ooze out when sliced. But not too thin, you still need to taste it.

After I did all the layers, I refrigerated it a while for the layers to set. I used this time to work on my chocolate ganache frosting. What is ganache, you ask?

Cream and chocolate. And love.

Yes, that’s it. Boil your cream and pour it over your chocolate chips. Stir until melted. Easy as picking my nose while sleeping.

So I frosted the cake. Placed it in the ref again to set the chocolate. Waited anxiously. I wanted to slice it to see if I really got the layers. And look what I got.

LOOK AT THAT. I MEAN CMON.

I can see the layers!!!!

I loved it so much that I took a lot of pictures.

like this.

and this.

this too.

also this.

and how can I forget this...

I was too busy taking pictures, I almost forgot to eat them.

So how did it taste?

It was fucking good!!!! You can’t really compare it. Your mind says it’s a cake but you know that it’s not. The layers are separated by this silky pastry cream and it just slides down your throat. You have to even catch it to chew it. Also the chocolate is not overwhelming. It just gives you enough for you to want more.

And here is the fucking money shot.

I SHAT BRIX

This is a good no bake recipe for those without ovens and those who are scared of baking. This is so easy. Almost idiot proof (well it worked for me, so I guess…). If you want to do this recipe, drop me a message. I’ll be glad to help you out!🙂

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The road to Macaron

Necessity is the mother of invention.

True. Contrary to most people believe, majority of things was invented accidentally. No it wasn’t.

It was discovered, not invented.

In the case of meringue, who the hell thought about whisking egg whites until it foams up? I just don’t know how our ancestors comes up with this shit. Maybe he’s the same guy who first saw crab and instantly knew it was delish.

Hmmm. Extended eyeballs, very hard and spiky exterior, claws that can cut my finger... YUMMY!!

What was he trying to do or prove? Whatever that was, I wont dig it up anymore. What’s important is he made one of the most elegant and versatile (and tiring) confections in the kitchen.

Meringue is basically whipped egg whites with sugar. It tastes like… Well… If clouds have a taste, it would be this. Soft, airy and dense at the same time. I can’t explain it.

I first made meringue when I made my Baked Alaska. It was pretty easy, just very tiring.

Thinking of a new thing to bake, I searched the internet. I found my self looking at Parisian Macarons.

FUCKING CUTE

I’ve always wanted to make them but found them very intimidating. Well, maybe this is the right time to do it. I did some more research on these cute little bastards before making them.

If you’re hear or read Macarons and immediately thought about coconuts, that’s not it. Those are Pinoy Macaroons (notice the spelling). These are more, you know, up scale a little bit.

I have to admit, I have never really tried real Macaron before so I really have no reference taste wise, but as long as it looks good, it’ll taste good! You can’t really go wrong with sweets right?

There are literally thousands of Macaron recipes. Most of the things I read states that Macaron is a pretty hard dish to make. Most people wont get it the first time the make it and if they do, they probably wont be able to make it the second time around.

Surprisingly enough, I found may uh, how can I say this… Intricate or odd (for the lack of better term) steps on this. Like the one that I read said that the egg whites to be used needs to be ‘aged’ in the ref for a few days before using. The kind of powdered sugar to be used, the process used in the nuts, ‘resting/drying’ before baking and environmental temperature.

Personally, I tend to skip ‘unecessary’ steps. It’s basically meringue with nuts and sugar. How hard can it be?

I browsed a bit more and stumbled to this site, Bravetart which specifically tackles about ‘Macaron Myths.’ I read the whole thing and she’s basically saying that IT’S JUST A FUCKING PASTRY. IT’S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. So yeah, Thank you Bravetart for that confirmation.

Sooner or later... (thanks Nano for the image!)

So… lets start cooking? Ok!

Basically, Macaron is made up of stiff meringue, almond flour and powdered sugar sifted together, flavorings and colors, and that’s it! But as you know, I’m a cheap and lazy guy so I had to tweak somewhere there.

Almond powder. Yeah. Never heard of it. Like the word Lupozaituim, I’m sure you’ve never heard of that before. Many sites say that they grind their own almonds. So I’ll just have to do it myself. But yeah, almonds are not easily accessible in this side of the crater so I’ll have to improvise!

PEANUTS!

Yes, peanuts! Very cheap and very accessible. I’ll just ground them up into a fine powder right?

I was actually VERY hesitant. Mainly because, well, I know I can’t ground peanuts into a fine powder necause they’ll become peanut butter. But what the hell.

I roasted then and ground them using my a simple household blender.

Then mixed it with my SIFTED powdered sugar.

And I didn’t bother sifting them together because the nuts are just too fucking big to go through, get it? Nuts are too big… ehehe…

After which, I started to whip my meringue. And instead of showing you pics, I decided to film it. You know I love you guys!

Then I folded them together. And according to some sites, this is called… the Macaronage…

Macaronage. 90's dance craze.

A quote from bravetart: “Instead of coming to recognize the qualities of a good meringue and the consistency of proper macaronage, you fret over how many days the egg whites aged. This prevents learning from mistakes and subsequently improving technique, causing you to begin each macaron venture from square one.”

So from what I understand here, having a good macaromage means you have a high chance of getting a good result. What is a good macaronage you ask? Well, the internet says that the consistency is like of a molten lava. Here is a video of my macaronage…

and here is a Molten Lava video.

Ehh… Not exactly lava-like… That’s because i’m scared of over beating the mixture…

fuck off

I separated the batter into two and made one chocolate by adding cocoa powder and the other one strawbrry by adding flavorings and colors.

Polka dots

Lined my pan with wax paper (I’m out of parchment) and piped them in. Does not look too uniform as it should but that can be easily corrected… in the next batch.

Baked them and watched every moment of it.

18 minutes in front of the hot oven gave me…

FAIL

Yes. I failed. It cracked. The Macaron Feet did not show. What feet?

Macaron feet

Those curly, crunchy looking stuff under the shiny dome is called the feet.

So yeah, my first try failed. Mainly because I fucked with the recipe. What did I expect? Nevertheless the result was still delicious!

Crunchy on the outside and perfectly chewy on the inside!

And yes, this is actually my yummiest failure to date. First attempt down, many more to go. The focus of my next attempt will be getting the peanut to be sifted with the powdered sugar and having a good sense of macaronage.

And fuck almonds for being too expensive!

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How my childhood inspired my cooking :)

During my high school years, there was an anime that was aired in a local channel. It changed my life.

Yes! Cooking master boy. I was pretty much oriented and inspired by my father to a very basic Filipino way of cooking, the one pot style cooking. Add this, add this and add this then boil. That’s pretty much it. Everything tasted delicious and made people happy and that’s why I wanted to learn how to cook. The comes this anime. It somewhat intensified my desire to cook back then. So much to the point that I wanted the ‘Super Chef Seal (the one in his sleeve) to be tattooed in my arm. And I am still considering it.

The anime that certainly stood out. Everyday we were bombarded by violent animes, this was a very peaceful one. Although there was some violence here, there were more hurt feelings that hurt persons. And they do not kill each other. They just cook and beat the bad guys. Also, in this anime, the bad guys play fair.

Yes way!

Even then, I know a lot of the things they show there are bullshit. Even so, I laughingly said to myself that I will re-create the epicness they once showed me. It’s like every episode, there comes a guy with a certain trait and skills equal to, ah forget it, just look at these:

This is Steel Rod Shell. He claims to be the number 1 dimsum chef in all China. He can make paper thin dumpling skins with equal thickness using his steel rod as seen in the left part of the picture.

And this buff guy here is named Al, the younger of the two dumpling brothers. He can swing hot metal balls in the air weighing close to a full grown man each, punch them open. At first I thought he’s just training, apparently he’s frying dumplings in them.

AND THIS. This has gotta be one of my favorites in the whole series!

Believe it or not, that majestic looking this is actually a dumpling. The Ascending Dragon Dumpling as Mao calls it. It’s nothing but a shrimp dumpling (you can see the nose of the dragon is actually a shrimp head). The cool thing about this dumpling is that it can actually stand and move like a dragon! It’s easy to let it go if they said that the sheer skill and ability of Mao can make the dragon move. But noooooooooooooooo! They really have to provide us with a realistic explanation that will haunt me forever.

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasically, the trick was he used two types of skin for the dumpling. The rate of expansion of the two skins are different when steam is blown in so the other is pulled by the other. But it still doesn’t explain why light exploded from the steamer when it was opened.

One last thing is the reactions of the people eating it. Luckily, there is a youtube video that compiled some of it.

But youtube fucked this part up for me. Fuck you youtube.

So from the things I showed you, you’d thing that this show is all mystical magics of cooking. That’s where you’re wrong. The protagonist’s mother, Pai, once cooked a simple dish that invigorated a very tired messenger that is now- –fuck. Let’s just say she cooked something really good and that was Mapo Tofu.

I looked at it and it looks fairly simple enough. Its basically tofu with a spicy sauce. But at my young age, the only method of cooking tofu was only to fry it. And the tofu here doesn’t look like it was fried so I got a little scared and left it rotting at the deepest darkest part of my mind.

A few years later, I researched the recipe but there was one ingredient that I can’t find. Szechuan Peppercorns. For 4 years, I’ve searched every grocery and supermarket I know but I saw nothing. Then I met my girlfriend which happened to be part Chinese and I asked her if she could ask her relatives about this coveted ingredient.

A week later, I now have the ingredient that took me 4 years to find. So what did I do? I started cooking.

I refreshed myself with the recipe, read a lot of blogs, combined them all and added my own touch. That’s how I came up with my own version of mapo tofu. Not very authentic, but who cares? I’m not after any legendary cooking utensils unlike Mao. Or am I?

Epic enough for me...

Lets get started!

Now, cooking this is fairly simple. Chop, saute, add liquid, you know the drill.

Also, if you notice, this is actually my first uh, non-baked or non pastry post because… *insert sad music here*

A month ago I got my blood checked for my diabetes maintenance and it showed that I am failing. Failing at living basically. So had to stop making those for me to stop eating them.

Actually...

And tofu was always my savior when I was looking for something filling without a large impact on my blood sugar. So yeah that’s is.

Ok now really, lets get started!

As a kid, I believed there are 2 types of tofu. The dirty one and the clean one. The clean one (it’s actually silken tofu) was the one with packaging. The dirty one was the one that had cloth marks on it and looks really… undesirable, for the lack of better term. And now, being of age, I know how to choose wisely.

ALL GERMS WILL DIE WHEN HEATED -Papa

I chose the dirty one because, well, its cheaper! And also because the silken tofu is actually softer and I assumed it will not withstand the poaching and frequent stirring in this dish.

I cut most of the tofu into large cubes and some of them into small cubes.

The real recipe calls for some red chili paste. But because I didn’t have one (I actually never had one) I opted to go to the easiest way out. Fresh chilleh!

Onions, garlic and fresh chili.

Also, here’s a tip for you.

2 words. FREEZE. GINGER.

Yes, frozen ginger is very effective. Almost no loss in flavor and saves you most of the hassle. This is actually a lifesaver since we do not tend to use ginger everyday unlike onions and garlic that we can buy in bulk. When you buy ginger in bulk, it usually just wilts away. So yeah, it saves time and money, the two most important things in the world.

Just a notch higher than candied bacon.

Now the major flavoring. Fermented Chinese Black beans. Or as we call it, Tausi.

BLACK CHINESE. Hard to imagine actually.

This is the only brand I trust and this is the only one I use. I actually don’t know the brand, I just know it by the yellow plastic container. (Yes I have tried black beans in cans and tetras, they’re all crappy.) I read the writings on the packaging (which is very rare) and it actually says there the brand. And it did not change my life.

Pic related. Your argument is invalid.

And of course, the meat.

So you were expecting the, uhm, other type of meat?

And the thing that makes Map Tofu really a Szechuan dish…

Szechuan Pepper Corns!

If you think they look like shriveled flower buds, it’s because they are. They are no way related to black or white peppers.

I am convinced that these are actually Szechuan Peppercorns (pink peppercorns) but the greatest quality of this kind of pepper aside from its aroma is the numbing effect to your tongue which makes it perfect to pair with intensely spicy dishes. Though honestly, I don’t feel any. SO I guess I’m still lacking here. Nevertheless, it’s still the said ingredient.

As I said earlier, cooking this is very simple. Even a monkey can cook this! Or a pig.

Just saute all the ingredients together, minus the tofu.

Looks like uh... nevermind...

Add water until it boils.

Kinda looks like our living room during the rainy days.True story.

And add cornstarch to thicken it.

Wait.

Cornstarch?

While my wok was boiling, I spent a good 15 mins searching for the damn box of cornstarch. Until I just gave up and decided to turn the flame down and run to the nearest grocery at 9:30 pm. Who wouldn’t?

It’s like you’re taking a shower, you’re already wet when you realized you’re out of soap. Wachugonnado?

So in record time, I ran through roads and dodge cars and jeeps.

Even on a rush, I still managed to give time to take a snapshot.

GOOD THING YOU FUCKING ARE.

Salvation! Only 22 pesos!

Really, in record time.

Turned up the flame up again and made a slurry (that’s just chef talk for cornstarch and water).

Oh yeah! I the small diced tofu was fried.

Until it reaches golden, crunchy perfection!

Epic.

I added this in the last minute for it not to soak up much of the sauce. It needs to stay crisp because this is a major player in the texture part of your dish.

Chopped cilantro

Added the large cubed tofu and let it simmer for a minute, turned off the heat and… you be the judge.

Don’t they look great? I just remembered, the reason why I don’t post much stove-top dishes here is because they’re very hard to photograph! Luckily enough, an angel lend me her camera for me to play with! I am now a happy boy!🙂

But I guess my tummy is happier!

Y U NO WASH DISHES!

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My Own Cheese, My Own Cake.

In cooking, I believe that the ingredients in a certain dish are there because an element of it is needed. For example, pie crust. A pie crust recipe needs some kind of solid fat. Why? as you cut the fat in the dough it incorporates itself in chunks, and when you bake it, the fat melts away leaving the former space it occupied almost empty. This is what makes pie crusts flaky.

Get rid of flakes in just one wash!

The most common type of fat used in pie crusts are butter and lard. I won’t go into the debate on whether the former or the latter is better, in the end they’re all the same fat that becomes solid in the ref and melts away in the oven.

So I can take any type of solid fat and make it into pie crust like… Margarine for example? Or that white layer of fat that forms at the base of your left over roast in the ref? My point is, as long as you can ‘replicate’ a certain property from a certain ingredient, then you’re as good as having the said ingredient. We’re not talking here about flavor, mainly, I’m talking here about structure and how it stands as the dish.

This idea came to my mind a couple of years ago…

A professor of mine was telling the class while holding a milk carton that “This is not milk, this is white water.’ Or something like that. Maybe throw a couple of fucks and shits there.

I had no Idea what the hell he was talking about. I mean, milk is milk right? What, there is now some kind of milk ranking where in cows from this certain place or breed has a higher check price?

Ohh, hipster cows.

On that same year, I developed a habit of reading the nutritional facts and ingredients of things in the grocery. Amidst all the milk cartons in the dairy section, I saw a very familiar looking box of milk. Yes, it was the ‘white water’ my professor was talking about. Usually, when you buy packaged ‘fresh’ milk, it does not have an ingredient list. Probably because they DID NOT make them. But this particular brand of milk has three ingredients.

O RLY

Ya really. And it was Water, Reconstituted Milk Powder, Milk Fat.

I was actually surprised by that. They were selling us the stuff that we can make on our home all this time! I double backed and thought maybe they were using some kind of special milk powder. You know, with nothing added in it? Cause I always believed that the locally available milk powders has a lot of vitamin-like additives that changes the taste.

I went to the milk powder isle (or something like that) and checked the ingredients. There was only one listed, it was like 100% dried milk or something like that. I don’t really remember the exact words but it was quickly processed in my mind that its just fucking dry milk. Add water and it will be ‘real’ milk again!

From tits to glass!

From this, I started my experiment. From cheese to yogurt. And of course, cream cheese.

Now, why would I want to make my own cream cheese? For cheesecake of course! Everybody here loves cheesecake. The thing is, it’s pretty expensive compared to any cake or pie. Even making them home is quite expensive.

To cut the long story short, I made my own cream cheese using milk powder. How? Well actually, the ‘cream cheese’ I made was sometime called ‘yogurt cheese’ because the process was draining the yogurt with most of the whey it had, thus leaving us with a thick cream cheese-like consistency.

Like what I said earlier, you don’t actually need the ingredient, you need the properties it comes with. So What I need to do is make an inexpensive mush of white with a creamy texture.

Not exactly what I have in mind...

So the experiment began.

The first step here is to reconstruct the milk. Gradually sifting the milk in warm water while stirring works best. If you google how to make yogurt, you’ll see a lot of process that sometimes require a thermometer and a whole lot of other equipments. I developed a shorter method.

The real method is heat the milk up to 180ºC to kill the competing bacteria present in the milk and then cool it down to 110ºC. After it cools, add any amount of yogurt you want. Like 3 tbps for a liter of milk? That should do.  Then mix it. Next comes the incubation period where you need the live yogurt germies to multiply, thus turning your milk to yogurt.

It's actually kinda gross if you think about it...

You need to keep them in a warm place to multiply and do their magic.

Kinda complicated? This is what I do: heat the milk until it’s warm enough for you to bathe in. Wait for 10 mins, add the yogurt then ‘incubate’ them inside the oven, turned off. What I do to keep it warmer there is to boil a pot of water and put it in the oven then leave it for 12 hours. Simple enough for you?

Sir, yes sir!

After 8 hours, you now have your yogurt!

Now the obvious got me thinking again. If it’s called cream cheese, should I add cream?

That’s the thought I had while taking the biggest dump ever. I chuckled. But I remembered an article I read about milk powder. It said there that commercial milk powder does not contain fat. It’s even called skim milk powder in some places. Cream is fat and cream is milk so… I went up, washed my hands (of course!) and got started already.

I made 2 batches of yogurt. The normal one, and the one with cream. I made them according to my normal ways on preparing yogurt. I took a very close look at them during the fermentation.

At the 4th hour, the one with no cream shows very little development. The one with cream however is already dense. I incubated them more, strained them for 12 hours and put a weight on them on the final hours. These are the results.

Specimen A. No cream.

Specimen B. With cream.

Looking at them both, we can clearly see their difference. Specimen A gave me a hard time getting it out of the cheesecloth, while specimen B popped out like a pimple. I gave them both a stir then weight them.

Specimen A. 280g

Specimen B. 290g.

If you look closely, you’ll notice that Specimen A has obvious lumps while Specimen B may look lumpy, but it is very smooth when you spread it.

The smell difference of the two is very significant. Specimen A has this very sour yougurty smell, close to keffir, while specimen B has this very creamy smell, the sourness is just a hint.

Taste wise, A is pretty sour and B…

It fucking tastes like cream cheese! FUCK YEA.

It tasted very creamy! Unlike the cheeses I made before, they almost tastes like Greek yogurt.

What, shall the experiment end here? Hell no! We still want to see how they stand as a cheesecake, that’s the point of this experiment after all!

So I got started.

Wait before that, how do you crush your grahams? Before, I do it Mano y mano. With my bare fucking hands. After that, my hands felt like they came through a grinder or something. So I used my brain for a while and came up with a brilliant idea.

The towel is actually for you, wiping your blood after I hit you with this shit.

Yeah, a towel and something to hit it with (in this case, a French Rolling Pin). This combination of modern equipment can turn this

Yes, that's a potato masher. Don't ask.

To this…

In less time that it will take you to blink half way.

Now because I am doing 2 kinds of cheesecake and 290 grams of cream cheese is not enough for 1 I figured I should follow Mrs. Jaworski’s recipe for mini cheesecakes.

Prepped the muffin tin with liners and pressed the crust with the best tool for the job.

Can you guess what that shit is?

If you guessed meat thermometer then you’ve just won your self a kiss on your left butt cheek!

Multi-purpose Meat Thermometer

I made the batter without adding anything that can greatly affecting it’s taste. I usually add limes to my cheesecake but I opted to leave that out for now for me to identify the taste difference between the two (and it just so happened that I’ve ran out of limes at that moment so…).

Specimen A. Thin and runny.

Specimen B. Thick and dense.

As expected, they kept their original properties. A is still runny and B is still thick.

Poured them in my prepared pan and placed a toothpick on B for easy reference.

Those are unused toothpicks of course...

I still got some leftover batter so I just combined them and bake them some other time. I don’t like to waste food you know.

Yes it's an ice cream scoop. Again, don't ask.

Baked them according to the recipe and they came out looking like…

Again, those toothpicks are clean.

As I look at the two, I can clearly see holes in specimen A that kinda looks like a creme brulee or some sort of egg based dish. I theorized that since Specimen A was runny to start with, the eggs were the one that stabilized the cake. While in specimen B, the cake has no holes and looks pretty heavy. Maybe because the cheese has its own body to start with.

Cooled it a bit and sliced them like a full-sized cake and took the first bite.

I WANNA OMNOMNOM U

As expected, the light looking tastes light and the dense looking tastes dense. So yeah, I guess we can declare B as the winner here. But really, if there’s anyone who’d won, it’s probably me. The cost of this is very partial compared to the price of real cream cheese. If my calculations were right, I can probably save 70%!

Not just that, but I was able to put real effort what I cook and I think that’s what is most important (well, money is still…).

This strongly proves my point on this blog. Don’t get me wrong. This may be seen as an excuse for not spending too much cash but really, who wanna spend more than less?

This has quenched a large part of my thirst for making things from scratch. Maybe next time… water from scratch?

Mhm...

Oh and by the way, even losers taste good. Look.

You might wanna lick those crumbs too...

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